PR’s Press Conference is about to begin . . . let’s listen in.
Pathetic Runner (PR): I have a short statement and then I’ll answer a few of your questions.
As you know, 233 days ago my heart LITERALLY. STOPPED. BEATING. Some sadistic surgeon and his two assistant stooges broke into my sternum, exposed my heart to the open air, and injected some vile substance to stop it while they messed around in there with a sharp knife.
At some point after my heart overpowered their lame attempt to stop it and began beating again, I vowed to return to my previously pathetic and half-hearted attempts at running.
You will remember that I swore a blood oath to run a 10K by June 1st. It was an ambitious goal. Some said it was beyond my reach. I’m pleased to announce that on Friday, May 15, 2015, at approximately 8:00 PM GMT, I achieved that goal. It wasn’t pretty, but I was able to cover 6.3 miles in a pathetically slow 1 hour and 11 minutes.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I may not be “back,” but I’m now aware of the route that will take me back. I’ll now take a few questions . . . Bill, lets start with you.
Bill: Pathetic, when did you vow to run a 10K by June 1st? I don’t remember you ever giving a press briefing to that effect and none of your earlier posts even imply such a thing.
PR: Bill, I’d prefer it if you called me Dr. Runner (or Professor Runner) – at least in public. Thanks. Next question.
Bill: Um . . . OK . . . Mr. Runner, you didn’t answer the question. When did you take this solemn vow?
PR: A long time ago, OK? I didn’t make a big deal of it at the time beyond merely mentioning it.
Bill: Yeah, you didn’t mention it . . . Mr. Runner. I have a follow-up . . . how long are you going to use your heart surgery as an excuse for your performance issues? Don’t you think that story is getting a little tired?
PR: You’re a little tired, Bill. So, whatever. Next question. Michelle?
Michelle: PR, I’ve done some quick math on the back of my cocktail napkin and I figure your pace was well over an 11:00 minute mile. How do you characterize that kind of effort?
PR: Call me, “Pathetic,” Michelle.
Michelle: Um . . . OK. Whatever . . .
PR: Anyway, I didn’t say that I’m back. I said that I found the map that will take me back. I did the first 30 minutes or so at about a 10:30 pace, but then I had to Galloway it back to the car.
Bill: That means you had to walk, right?
PR: Hey, Bill! Here’s an exclusive for you!
Michelle: But you did walk?
Bill: You are aware that Galloway isn’t a verb, right?
PR: Michelle, I think of it more as alternating my pace.
Bill: So, you walked.
PR: Didn’t I tell you to shut up, Bill?
Michelle: You walked . . .Pathetic.
PR: Yes, Michelle? Did you say something?
Michelle: You’re pathetic.
PR: Not yet, but soon. Very, very soon I expect to resume my status as a Pathetic Runner.
Michelle: Wow. I have to leave now. I have this thing that I have to do at this one place . . .
Bill: Yeah . . . me too. Hey, Michelle! Want to go get a drink somewhere?
PR: Wait! Guys! Come back! You haven’t asked me about my next goal or how I’m feeling, or the other things that the public deserves to know! Guys?