I ran yesterday for the first time since the debacle that has become known as “The Chicago Collapse” during which I was nearly defeated by a shirtless centenarian. I had a hard time mustering the courage to hit the pavement after my humiliation. But, I’m running a half in Massachusetts next month. I figured I’d better run a couple of miles between now and then, so I logged a 4-miler – just long enough to reflect on the important issues of the day.
For those unfortunate few who regularly received my email in my past life, you know about the Alien Reconnaissance Drones (ARDs) disguised as deer that clutter the trails in Illinois, spying on our activities and reporting back to their advanced alien civilization in preparation for their coming invasion. I know this because of their critical mistake – these “deer” don’t behave like real deer. They simply hold their ground waiting and watching – watching and waiting . . . Real deer don’t behave like that and that is what gave them away as ARD’s.
Measures. Have. Been. Taken. We’re on to them here! ARD’s are thicker than flies in a pig pen here, but the threat has been mitigated! Unfortunately, here the aliens replaced ARD’s with ATD’s (Alien Turkey Drones). Turkey-like creatures are on almost every corner and they behave like pigeons in Central Park. The locals around here simply ignore them. They don’t recognize the threat. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of this situation. It’s a burden to be the only person who can see and understand what is happening around us.
Evidently men over a certain age simply don’t mind public nudity. The evidence is beginning to suggest that more than simply not minding it, they RELISH it. (You remember the shirtless centenarian with mad running skills). On yesterday’s run I again encountered an unsettling display of “manhood.”
This photograph really doesn’t reveal the true nature of the exhibition – a full frontal view would really better depict the reality of the display. (I refrained from taking that photo out of respect for you, my audience. Also, it would have been a bit awkward to take that picture . . . ). There’s really no reasonable explanation for this man’s attire – or lack of it. He’s definitely older than me – – – much older than me – – – so obviously he’s much more susceptible to heat stroke and other such maladies. Still, it was only about 80 degrees yesterday afternoon. The humidity was a little bit high, but certainly not tropical. I managed just fine in my cheap ass Fort2Base “technical” shirt that I earned by paying the entry fee and gaining the opportunity to be disgraced by a man who’s old enough to be my grandfather (maybe even my great grandfather). There are really only two explanations I can think of for this guy’s sartorial choices: 1) he’s of an age where he simply forgot to put his shirt on; or, 2) he’s a nudist.
Never fear! My cardinal rule is intact. My closet is full of shirts and I still retain sufficient grasp of my faculties such that I won’t forget to wear them. I also have a mirror in my new abode and I’m in no way related to Tobias Funke, so I have some idea of what I look like sans clothes. MY shirts not only protect me from the elements; they protect all of SOCIETY. Wearing a shirt is my way of giving back to the community. (You’re welcome.) I won’t be one of those guys – at least not for awhile.
The training for the Cape Cod Half continues! I’ll keep you updated.